“They’re Just Boobs”
It’s true. They ARE JUST boobs…
BUT society says they’re a pivotal part of womanhood.
The bigger the better, “womanly curves” and all that jazz…
For me, they were a HUGE deal. I spent over $10,000 getting them just right only 4 years ago. I LOVED them. Some times though, the things we love hurt us the most, and sadly my boobs have become (ALMOST) my biggest nemesis.
While I’m grateful to be done chemo and over that challenge, surgery is proving to be a rather large mental block for me. I have NEVER been flat, I have gone from awkward preteens to being a woman in my 30’s and my boobs have always been there to fill out a blouse.
Don’t get me wrong, I hated them for a period after I had my son. I was shamed, brainwashed and encouraged to hate the way my body changed after I finished nursing my son. I so wish I had the confidence I have now, it may have changed the outcome (or at least saved me a REALLY big and shitty investment). I would have been kinder to myself. I don’t necessarily regret getting them, but I regret the reasoning behind that surgery and that section of my life. I felt so incredibly crappy about myself and about my body that I believed all the bullshit I was fed about what a “good woman” looked like.
Now that I’ve come out from chemo, bald as an egg, exhausted and yet somehow still loved by my partner, I’ve realized a few things that are helping me prep for surgery. (This is just a tiny list specifically surrounding the ideal of body image)
You do NOT owe anyone THEIR idea of what your body should look like.
You do NOT exist simply to be looked at.
Vanity is NOT the same thing as self-confidence.
That third one I’m going to unpack a bit. When I first was diagnosed, I was so terrified of going bald, losing my lashes, losing my boobs, etc. I was FOCUSED on the loss of my appearance. My vanity pulled at me and chafed against what I thought was a ridiculously over inflated sense of self worth. I of course was sad to shave my head, to lose my lashes, and drawing my eyebrows is a PAIN…
BUT the reality is, there is nothing wrong with feeling your most confident when you’ve got your makeup done, or your hair did, or when you’re truly happy with how your body looks. As long as you also love yourself when your tired, bare faced and maybe a bit fluffier than you like.
This journey has been full of great realizations like that. I’ve realized that as much as I love the way my body is now, I will still love her just as much flat. Going flat still makes me nervous, and there is still lots of work to do if I’m going to be comfortable in my skin after surgery.
The beautiful thing though is that I’m not scared of losing my identity in the operating room. They aren’t cutting out my personality, or amputating the joy I have for life. They really are JUST boobs when you get right down to it, and I’m really damn proud of the work it took to see them that way.
Special Thank You to Jessica Waugh Photography for always capturing my life through all it’s stages. You are a beautiful friend and I am lucky to have you alongside me on this journey!
