The Joy in Letting Go

In the past week, I’ve finally come to a pretty cool place with my own mental health. If you’re familiar with my story of divorce, finding love again, navigating other peoples mental health issues, and all the other complexities that come with it, you know that the past few years have NOT been all sunshine and rainbows for us.

In the past few months, I’ve had a double mastectomy, started radiation, continued working full time, participated in a criminal trial that ended in a plea deal in exchange for the peace and quiet we’ve grown to cherish, and to top it off, we’ve finally come to an agreement for our kids.

If you’re a divorced parent, you know that there is always so much discussion and negotiating that needs to happen. Add in mental health struggles, criminal harassment, and police and children’s aid involvement, and you can kind of imagine how that would complicate a polite discussion on how to keep the kids healthy, happy and safe. There were a lot of struggles to get here, and after almost 2 years of court briefings and lawyer negotiations, we finally have a full solution. IT WAS LONG.

The best thing I learned during all the awful situations since my divorce, is to simply let go. Now, I’m not saying give up, or stop caring. I definitely navigated all this bullshit with a singular focus on my kid’s safety (physical and emotional), and the ferocity of a mama bear willing to bite someone’s head off to defend my children's right to a safe and healthy existence.

“Letting Go” means accepting that all you can control is your own reactions and your own behaviours.

I cannot make someone else attend counselling or take their medication. I cannot guarantee that there won’t be backslides. What I can do, is teach my children to recognize safe and unsafe behavior and discussions. I can make sure they have the tools to advocate their needs and communicate when they aren’t met. I can limit my contact with those who cannot regulate their emotions or control their actions, and instead focus on the joy I have at home. There is such a freedom in not focusing on other people and their failures.

The weird thing is, I think cancer has made me a kinder person. I allowed so much nonsense pre-cancer that I would never waste the energy on now. Life is too short to spend time hating someone for something they cannot control. Basing my judgement of a person on their negative behaviours, that were more often than not a result of mental illness, is both unfair and unproductive.

At this point, the most productive and loving thing I can do, is to teach my children that mental health struggles do not make a person “bad”. They may encourage a person to make poor life choices, but ultimately, we are all responsible for our own decisions. I’m finding great joy in my life, and that is the result of the good and productive decisions I have made to safeguard my children and my own mental health.

Sometimes, safeguarding that means you need outside help. You may need police and victim services counselling, you may need a shit ton of trauma counseling so you don’t cry when you’re alone in your car. You may need security cameras, and someone to simply tell you you’re doing ok and you’re safe. It’s a long ass road, but I am so happy we are hopefully on the other side of the drama. I’m hoping for some peace, I’m hoping my kids get to continue building relationships with their whole family. Their relationships shouldn’t be impacted or damaged based on how those people feel about me. Those are two separate things.

While I’m definitely not “over it” all, I’m well on my way. Working through the feelings, the trauma, and progressing well towards healing and forgiveness is all I can really hope for. Everything else depends on the other person and their own dedication to healing and forgiveness for themselves. I can’t influence that, demand that, or make it actually happen. They have to be willing to put in the freaking WORK (and it is exhausting toiling WORK).

So if you’re struggling, if you’re in the middle of a court battle, just remember that all you can control is yourself. Let go of the rest and focus on making all the other parts of your life wonderful, I swear it trickles down.